you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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