I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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