Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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