That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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