Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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