I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
