Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
