Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
