How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
