Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
