The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
