Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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