her vagine was all disorganized.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The Olympian is in my bed
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
