Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
