i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
