Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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