its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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