your parents love me but you hate me
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize