Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
