i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
