You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
