the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
