Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
