yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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