i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They took my balls.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
