Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
