Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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