If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
