I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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