Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
