he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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