just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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