Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
