my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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