before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
