Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
