I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
