turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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