I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
