sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
