I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
