Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
