based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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