WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
