just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
