Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
