I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
