Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
