Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
