Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude i'm inner monologue high
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
