Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
This toilet bowl is my home.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
